just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
