i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
