If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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