The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
