OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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