i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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