I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
