she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize