I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
