just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
