I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
