i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
But break dance skills will only take you so far
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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