just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
