I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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