I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
