I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
