Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
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I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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