I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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