"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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