my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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