You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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