so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
