I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
