oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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