Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
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I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
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I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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