gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
