I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
