How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
