I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
