Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
