He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
