oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
