Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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