Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
