NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
