drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Acid is not a monday night drug
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
