I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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