So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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