You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
