My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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