this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
