i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
