did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
