my soul wont recognize me after tonight
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
