Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
