wakey wakey hands off snakey
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
