Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
