You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
