i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
