Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Randomize
