Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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