Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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