Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
