You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
