my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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