Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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