I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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