I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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