I got chris browned last night
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
