sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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