he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
