I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
