I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
