Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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